Why Men Struggle to Seek Counselling: Understanding the Silent Crisis

The statistics are stark and they don’t lie.

In Canada, men account for 75% of all suicide deaths—that’s approximately 50 men dying by suicide every week. Men are almost three times more likely to die by suicide than women, yet they’re significantly less likely to seek professional mental health support. A 2025 national survey found that 67% of Canadian men have never sought out professional mental health services, even when experiencing moderate to severe depression.

This isn’t just a mental health crisis. It’s a masculinity crisis—one with deep historical roots that continue to shape how men view vulnerability, emotion, and help-seeking today.

But here’s the thing: it doesn’t have to be this way. Understanding why men struggle to seek counselling is the first step toward changing the narrative.

The Numbers Behind the Crisis

Let’s establish the scope of the problem with current Canadian data:

• 75% of suicide deaths in Canada are men (Mental Health Commission of Canada, 2024)
• Men’s suicide rate is almost 3 times higher than women’s (Statistics Canada, 2024)
• 4,850 suicide deaths occurred in Canada in 2022, an 8.6% increase from 2021 (Public Health Agency of Canada, 2024)
• 67% of Canadian men reported never seeking professional mental health services (Canadian Men’s Health Foundation, 2025)
• 23% of Canadian men are at risk of moderate-severe depression, up 4% in one year (CMHF, 2025)
• 64% of men report moderate-to-high stress levels (CMHF, 2025)
• 50% of men are at risk of social isolation, which is directly linked to higher stress and depression (CMHF, 2025)
• Only 49% of Canadian men sought help to manage changes during COVID-19, compared to higher rates among women (CIHR, 2021)

Suicide is the second leading cause of death for men aged 15-39 in Canada, after accidental death. Yet despite these alarming numbers, men consistently underutilize mental health services compared to women.

This is often called the “gender paradox” of suicide: women are three times more likely to attempt suicide, but men are three times more likely to die from it. Why? Men tend to use more lethal methods, often act more impulsively, and are less likely to have reached out for help beforehand.

The Historical Roots: How Did We Get Here?

To understand why men struggle with help-seeking today, we need to look back at how Western concepts of masculinity were constructed—particularly during the Victorian era.

The Victorian Gentleman and the “Stiff Upper Lip”

The phrase “stiff upper lip” has become synonymous with British stoicism, but its origins tell a fascinating story. Ironically, the expression itself is American, first appearing in print in an 1815 Massachusetts newspaper. The phrase referred to the physical trembling of the upper lip under stress—a sign of fear or emotional distress that one should suppress to appear composed.

But it was Victorian Britain that transformed stoicism from a personal trait into a national characteristic and a marker of superior masculinity.

During the late 19th century, as the British Empire expanded, a carefully manufactured cultural identity emerged. The Victorian gentleman was expected to be emotionally reserved, disciplined, and stoic. English public schools—often called “nurseries of empire”—specialized in producing young men with, as E.M. Forster lamented, “well-developed bodies, fairly developed minds, and undeveloped hearts.”

These institutions used systematic brutalization, corporal punishment, cold showers, and “character-building” competitive sports to instill emotional restraint. The message was clear: to be a man meant demonstrating the capacity to repress pain and emotion. Emotional tenderness, affection, or sensitivity were seen as weaknesses— feminine traits incompatible with ruling an empire.

Charles Darwin’s 1872 book The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals gave scientific credence to this cultural shift, creating a racial hierarchy of emotional expression with “restrained Englishmen” at the top and “primitive savages” (who “weep copiously from very slight causes”) at the bottom. Darwin declared that “Englishmen rarely cry, except under the pressure of the acutest grief.”

This wasn’t just about individuals. As historian Thomas Dixon notes in his research on British emotional history, “the stiff upper lip was historically an upper class, public school, university and then military concept—a brutal, spartan way of not showing your feelings and ruling the world on the basis of your superior self-control, which veered over into oppression and cruelty.”

The Spread of Stoic Masculinity

While these Victorian ideals originated in British upper-class culture, they spread widely. Colonial expansion carried these norms to Canada, Australia, and other parts of the English-speaking world. Working-class versions emerged as well—the uncomplaining factory worker, the silent suffering farmer, the war veteran who “didn’t talk about it.”

The World Wars further entrenched emotional stoicism. Men were expected to endure unimaginable horrors without complaint. Women were told not to cry to “keep the men strong.” Actress Dorothy Brunton said in WWI: “Modern girls don’t cry, even if they feel like it.”

The result? Generations of men socialized to believe that emotional expression equals weakness, that asking for help means admitting failure, and that real men solve their own problems.

The Modern Manifestation: How Victorian Values Still Shape Men Today

Fast forward to 2024, and these historical messages still echo loudly in how men are socialized.

Traditional Masculine Norms as Barriers

Research consistently shows that men who strongly adhere to traditional masculine norms face the greatest barriers to seeking mental health support. These norms include:

• Self-reliance and independence: “I should be able to handle this myself.”
• Emotional stoicism: “Real men don’t show weakness.”
• Physical toughness: “Pain is something you push through, not talk about.”
• Invulnerability: “Admitting I’m struggling means I’m not man enough.”

A comprehensive study on men’s help-seeking behavior found that traits associated with traditional masculinity—stoicism, invulnerability, and self-reliance—directly conflict with the act of seeking psychological help. For many men, reaching out feels like violating the core principles of what they’ve been taught it means to be a man.

The Role of Stigma

Men consistently report higher levels of mental health stigma than women. They’re more likely to view seeking help as a sign of personal failure or weakness. This stigma operates on multiple levels:

• Self-stigma: Internalizing negative beliefs about mental health (“I’m weak for needing help”)
• Public stigma: Fear of how others will perceive them (“People will think less of me”)
• Structural stigma: Workplace cultures that punish vulnerability (“This could hurt my career”)

The Mental Health Commission of Canada found that men tend to have poorer mental health literacy than women. They’re less likely to recognize symptoms of depression or anxiety in themselves, less likely to identify when they need support, and less likely to know where to find appropriate help.

Different Expressions, Missed Diagnoses

Here’s a critical piece many people don’t understand: men often experience and express mental health struggles differently than women, and our diagnostic systems aren’t always designed to catch it.

Traditional depression symptoms include sadness, crying, and withdrawal. But research suggests that male depression often manifests as:

• Irritability and anger
• Increased substance use (alcohol, cannabis, other drugs)
• Risk-taking behavior
• Physical aggression
• Overworking
• Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities

Men are more likely to self-medicate with alcohol and drugs rather than seek formal treatment. They’re more likely to describe physical symptoms (headaches, fatigue, pain) than emotional ones. And they’re more likely to suddenly drop out of relationships or work without explanation.

This means that traditional screening tools, which were often developed and validated primarily on female populations, sometimes miss depression in men entirely. Family physicians in busy practices may fail to recognize these atypical presentations, especially if a man downplays or doesn’t articulate his emotional struggles.

Unique Vulnerabilities

Certain groups of men face compounded risks:

Indigenous men exhibit higher rates of suicidal behavior than men in the general population, with Inuit male youth experiencing suicide attempt rates 10 times higher than non-Indigenous male youth.

2SLGBTQ+ men are up to six times more likely to experience suicidal ideation compared to heterosexual men. In 2022, only 29% of 2SLGBTQ+ men reported excellent or very good mental health, compared to 51% of non-2SLGBTQ+ men.

Men experiencing relationship breakdown, unemployment, or financial hardship face dramatically elevated risk, yet are often the least likely to reach out for support.

Older men, particularly those socialized in earlier generations, often view mental health challenges as personal shortcomings they should overcome alone.

The Deadly Consequences of Silence

When men don’t seek help, the consequences are devastating.

Between 1981 and 2017, the average male-to-female ratio of suicide deaths in Canada was 3.4:1, meaning men died by suicide on average 3.4 times as often as women. This pattern has remained remarkably stable over decades, suggesting deeply entrenched structural and cultural factors at play.

Men are less likely to have strong social support networks. A 2025 study found that 50% of Canadian men are at risk of social isolation—and social connection is one of the most protective factors against mental health crises.

Men are less likely to recognize warning signs in themselves. By the time crisis hits, they often feel like they’re out of options.

And here’s the tragic irony: research shows that more than 90% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable and treatable mental health condition. With early intervention and appropriate support, many of these deaths are preventable.

What Keeps Men from Counselling?

Beyond historical and cultural factors, practical barriers exist:

Lack of male-friendly services: Many counselling environments feel foreign or uncomfortable to men who’ve never talked about their feelings before.

Traditional therapy formats don’t appeal: Sitting face-to-face talking about emotions isn’t how many men naturally communicate. “Shoulder-to-shoulder” approaches—therapy while doing activities, men-only groups, practical problem-solving frameworks—often work better but aren’t widely available.

Limited male therapists: Some men specifically want to work with male counsellors but face long wait times or can’t find appropriate matches.

Cost and access: Private counselling is expensive, and public services have long wait times. Men are more likely to delay seeking help until crisis point, when immediate access is hardest to find.

Workplace culture: Despite progress, many workplaces still penalize perceived weakness. Men worry that disclosing mental health struggles will hurt their careers.

Signs That Matter: What to Look For

If you’re concerned about yourself or a man in your life, watch for:

• Increased irritability, anger, or aggression
• Withdrawal from friends, family, or activities previously enjoyed
• Changes in sleep patterns or appetite
• Increased use of alcohol or drugs
• Reckless or risky behavior
• Talking about feeling hopeless, trapped, or having no reason to live
• Giving away possessions or getting affairs in order
• Sudden mood improvement after a period of depression (can indicate a decision has been made)

Remember: men experiencing mental health crises don’t always look sad. They might look angry, withdrawn, or just “off.”

What Actually Helps Men Seek Support

Research into effective interventions shows several promising approaches:

Normalize help-seeking as strength, not weakness. Frame counselling as a proactive step, like going to the gym or getting a physical. “Taking care of yourself takes guts.”

Use relatable language. Instead of “mental health crisis,” try “going through a tough time.” Instead of “therapy,” try “talking to someone who gets it.”

Offer alternative formats. Men’s groups focused on activities (sports, outdoor pursuits, hobbies) with mental health support built in show high engagement. Online platforms and text-based support reduce barriers for men who aren’t ready for face-to-face counselling.

Peer support works. Men who hear from other men about their experiences with counselling are more likely to seek help themselves. This is why initiatives like HeadsUpGuys and the Movember Foundation’s men’s health campaigns have been effective.

Train counsellors in male-specific presentations. Mental health professionals need to understand how depression and anxiety manifest differently in men and be skilled at creating environments where men feel safe to be vulnerable.

Address systemic factors. Workplace mental health programs, improved access to services, and cultural change at institutional levels all matter.

Moving Forward: Redefining Strength

The Victorian ideal of the stoic, emotionally repressed man served the needs of empire building. But we’re not building empires anymore. We’re trying to build healthy lives, meaningful relationships, and resilient communities.

Real strength isn’t about suffering in silence. It’s about having the courage to admit when you’re struggling and the wisdom to ask for support. It’s about showing up for your own mental health the way you’d show up for a broken leg—with recognition that it needs treatment and that getting help is the responsible thing to do.

The “stiff upper lip” has been criticized in recent years for perpetuating toxic masculinity and exacerbating mental health crises. Reports from the UK highlight how this stoicism discourages help-seeking, contributing to men being three times more likely to die by suicide than women, despite women experiencing higher rates of depression diagnoses.

Canada is beginning to shift. The 1997 outpouring of public emotion after Princess Diana’s death marked a cultural turning point in Britain around emotional expression. More recently, high-profile men—athletes, actors, politicians—have begun speaking openly about their mental health struggles.

Programs like GuysWork in Nova Scotia create safe spaces for adolescent boys to discuss masculinity, mental health, and healthy relationships. NextGenMen offers tools to facilitate meaningful discussions about modern masculinity. The Canadian Men’s Health Foundation provides the MindFit Toolkit with self-assessments and free virtual counselling.

But individual programs aren’t enough. We need systemic cultural change.

For Men Reading This

If you’re struggling, you’re not alone. The statistics show that at any given time, millions of Canadian men are dealing with depression, anxiety, substance use issues, or other mental health challenges.

Reaching out doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.

Start small. Talk to one person you trust. Call a crisis line anonymously. Try an online self-assessment. Book one session with a counsellor and see how it feels. You don’t have to commit to years of therapy—just take one small step.

Resources:

• Talk Suicide Canada: 1-833-456-4566 (24/7)
• Crisis Text Line: Text CONNECT to 686868
• Canadian Men’s Health Foundation: menshealthfoundation.ca (includes free MindFit Toolkit and virtual counselling)
• HeadsUpGuys: headsupguys.org (men’s depression resources)
• BuddyUp: Campaign focused on men’s mental health conversations

For Those Who Want to Help Men

If you’re a partner, friend, family member, or professional who wants to support the men in your life:

Check in directly. Don’t wait for them to come to you. “Hey, you’ve seemed off lately. Want to talk about it?”

Make it easy to say yes. “I have a counsellor I really like. Want me to send you the contact info?” or “There’s this men’s group I heard about. Want to check it out together?”

Don’t pathologize struggle. Frame it as normal and temporary. “Everyone goes through rough patches. Getting support helps you get through it faster.”

Be patient. Men who’ve spent a lifetime suppressing emotions won’t open up overnight. Keep showing up.

Model vulnerability. Talk openly about your own struggles and how getting help made a difference.

For Future Counsellors

If you’re training to work in mental health, understanding male help-seeking patterns is essential.

At Vancouver College of Counsellor Training, programs like the Diploma of Professional Counselling and Youth & Family Support Worker Certificate provide training in evidence-based approaches including CBT, trauma-informed care, and crisis intervention—all crucial skills for working with men who may be presenting with atypical symptoms or significant resistance to traditional therapy.

Effective counselling with men requires:

• Understanding how traditional masculinity shapes emotional expression
• Recognizing atypical presentations of depression and anxiety
• Creating environments where vulnerability feels safe
• Using action-oriented, problem-solving frameworks when appropriate
• Being comfortable with silence, anger, and other emotions men may be more willing to show
• Knowing when and how to adapt your approach based on cultural background, age, and individual needs

The field desperately needs counsellors who are trained to work effectively with men—and men who pursue careers in counselling to help other men navigate these challenges.

The Path Forward

We’re at a turning point. The old narratives about masculinity—the ones inherited from Victorian gentlemen and wartime stoicism—are finally being questioned openly. Younger generations are increasingly rejecting the idea that emotions are weakness.

But cultural change is slow, and the cost of waiting is measured in lives lost.

Every man who reaches out for help breaks the cycle a little. Every conversation about men’s mental health chips away at stigma. Every counsellor who learns to work effectively with male clients saves lives.

The statistics are grim, but they’re not inevitable. With better understanding, reduced stigma, improved access to male-friendly services, and a collective commitment to redefining what strength looks like, we can change the trajectory.

Men don’t have to suffer in silence. And they don’t have to die alone.

Frequently Asked Questions

Ready to make a difference?

If you’re interested in training to support men (or anyone) through mental health challenges, Vancouver College of Counsellor Training offers programs designed for real-world counselling work:

• Diploma of Professional Counselling (50 weeks) – Comprehensive training including 180 hours of clinical skill development
• Youth & Family Support Worker Certificate (24 weeks) – Work with boys, teens, and families
• Addictions Worker Certificate (26 weeks) – Specialized training in substance use counselling

All programs available on-campus or through distance education.

Call 604-683-2442

Source References

Statistics Canada Data:

• Statistical Checkup of Canadian Men’s Health (June 2024)
• Men’s Mental Health: How Are Canadian Men Doing?
• Suicide Rates by Gender Canada 2000-2021

Government of Canada:

• Suicide in Canada: Key Statistics
• Suicide and Self-Harm Mortality Data

Mental Health Commission of Canada:

• Men’s Mental Health and Suicide in Canada – Key Takeaways
• Mental Health and Suicide Prevention in Men – Evidence Brief
• Putting the Men in Mental Health

Canadian Men’s Health Foundation:

• 2025 Study on Stress and Depression in Canadian Men

Canadian Institutes of Health Research:

• Advancing Boys’ and Men’s Health: 11 Years of Research

Academic Research:

• Improving Mental Health Service Utilization Among Men: Systematic Review
• Masculinity and Help-Seeking Among Men With Depression: Qualitative Study

Historical Sources:

• The History of the Stiff Upper Lip – History of Emotions Blog
• Stiff Upper Lip – Wikipedia
• The Truth About British Stoicism – Awaken
• The Spirit of the Gothic: Manliness in Victorian and Edwardian England

Additional Resources:

• CBC News: Alarming Numbers Around Men’s Mental Health
• Sun Life Canada: Knowledge Is Power – Men’s Mental Health
• The Globe and Mail: We Owe It to Canadian Men and Boys
• Crisis & Trauma Resource Institute: Men’s Mental Health